First love

I don’t usually write about LOVE, simply because I don’t like to act emotional and well, there isn’t really much to complain about my current relationship, for now, at least.
Also, especially I do not have a lot of relationships in my life.
But don’t get me wrong, each of them are engraved in my bones, in my heart…
I am a person, who are very much into LONG TERM RELATIONSHIP, which basically means, even when the relationship is deteriorating, I am still lingering on.

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My first love happened in my junior high school.
It was a SHE and we dated for almost four years.
I knew her when she was dating my best friend, but I don’t see any of the attractiveness in her, neither did I picture myself dating a girl.
I think until Form 3, which I realized I am still single with plenty of my friends already had a couple of dating experiences and I somehow feel the urgency of dating someone.
Maybe I was an asshole, but the fact is, they broke up because of me, simply because my best friend was not treating me good enough, which makes her thinks my best friend is not a good person, accordingly to what she say.
I think, the seed was planted at that time.
It took us 2 more years to develop to a flirting stage.
At that point, I really refuse the fact that I could be dating a girl, but flirting.. hey there’s no responsibility comes with it, so maybe I have sent a wrong signal.
Yet, when I notice it, it was too late.
Again, I am really really bad at refusing people, I know its hard to believe, but there I am.
One day when we crossed the road, she held my hand.
I wasn’t in love. But I don’t have the courage to pull my hands back.
So, that’s where we begun. Nothing romantic but was all from a misunderstanding.
After she announced to everyone, I knew there is no going back so I go with whatever the plot is.
I have done the best I could to avoid any intimate touch, trust me.
It took us I think half year to do the first kiss.. another year for a great leap of intimate interaction.
To be completely honest, I forgot how it was like to be with her.
When I re-read my diary, I found myself being very doubtful in the first year of our relationship, I always think we would have broken up.
But fate is really funny,
We somehow managed to date for 4 years. Broke up for several times, with less than a week though.
Several big incidents I could recall are,

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First, she cheated.
Not only did she cheated, but she she kissed with a really good looking, wealthy girl from a renowned school, which I have everything reason to be jealous of.
We fought for a week, maybe.
And maybe my alcohol desire started right then, I drank, I got tipsy. I cried so hard that demand a hug from my dad, with a awkward rejection from him.

Second, a great liar and me being a stupid believer.
She said she was having a critical condition of her health.
Anyway that was the reason why we didn’t break up, she claimed she has a very serious heart condition. And I just didn’t want to be the murderer. URGH.

Third, I wasted, I mean, I spent my whole high school time with her.
every recess, every lunch, every afterschool,
we stick/ stuck together.
All my high school experience, she was the only experience.

Last but not the least, she has weird addiction. She bite me. Not the tiny bit of it, but bruise were over my body.
I guessed, that was maybe love means, or maybe that was what foreplay means.
But we didn’t really have sex, all she left was bruises, scars and pains to me as a memory.
I couldn’t tell any of my close friends. Maybe they all knew a bit of it, but not entirely.
It was embarrassed, awkward and shameful.
What funny is, when we broke up for a really long time, she still remains to be a very special person in my heart.
I remember when I broke up with my Ex, she is the one that I ran into.. Every drunk text went into her cell.
I remember when I have a car accident, even tho I broke up with my ex and started a new relationship, I texted her in the hospital. When I panicked the most, I also seek her comfort.

I honestly, forgot how it was like to be with her. But she is special, very special, and that is where I know the power of first love. And after all she is the person that I have dated for the longest time.

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I will always, always remember the black shirt you wore and the dark skin you had….. I could still recall, you are the sporty girl that play excellently in the basketball court, and i would always wait you in the benches and hand you the water. When you finished, I could smell your sweat from your vast.. you were number 6 or 9? And you loved Leborn james that I had to get you everything when anything related to him.
We went to hiking, a difficult one, we do camping together, under difficult weather condition. There’s still a private album with you in it in my Facebook.

It was just supposed to be a tiny paragraph about you, but there are too many flash back and too many memories flushed in. And I secretly wished I will always, remain special in your heart too, as what you meant to me.

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I am leaving.

我終於要辭工啦

到這一刻我猜我家人還是希望我留吧

支持的原因我理解也明白 這家公司我有很強的團隊 我的老闆也作了我的最強後盾

可是 我想這次是鐵了心 我大概是累了 是身心上的累

有些時候即便你多盡力 跟客戶有多好的信任 你大部分的信任還是累積在creative

這工作有大部分都不是在我的控制范圍之內

再加上我在工作上對於自己很高要求 而伴隨著的壓力也是大到沒法喘息 而最後我往往沒有辦法用自己之力去把事情解決

久而久之伴隨的挫敗感 在我心裡累積下來

大概也是接了個私活 加上當時我家小短腿被懷疑染上病了 隨時離開我們

情緒病就找上門了

那段日子真的很黑暗 是無論如何你也開心不起來

而不是單單的不開心 是整個人在負能量裡 每天只想離開這個世界

過了一段時間 有著Niu Niu 的陪伴跟安撫 總算走過來

當時的我是什麼都做不來只想躺在床上 感謝他由著我颓废 默默地打理這個家

也很多時後的情緒崩潰 他也一一接收我的負面情緒

我那時候也任不住的想 如果身份換一下 我也有這個能力把他抽出來嗎 我也有這個耐性陪他嗎 什至這麼堅強的把家扛起來嗎?

或許他到這個時刻也不會真切明白我當時有多無助 也或許不理解當時他所做的對我來講是多麼的重要吧

除此之外 我也看清了 我不能再本著一副不好意思的心去接受所有我不喜歡的東西 我不能再玲瓏到像個球而忘了自己想要什麼

這一次 我想開心的掀開人生的下一章

再也不用一看到微信 心就停了下

再也不會時刻處於提心吊膽的時候

再也不用晚上9點吃飯

再也不用被逼的給comment 跟brainstorm

再也不用受氣

Carrie Bradshaw lied

” I just broke up with the guy that I want to marry with”, she said it with trembling voice and I am pretty sure she is on the verge of breaking down.

HER

If I have to describe her, she is logical by every means, except when it comes to love, I think she has completely gone insane for love.
She proclaimed herself as a person who is born to love, and to further justify that, she tattooed the word “Purse Love” on the wrist. To me, there is nothing wrong with pursing your love, its about HOW you keep your mind clear that matters.

So, this time, after she broke up with the “I don’t love you enough – ex” because it was obviously that the guy has a limited quota of love towards her. She quickly submerged herself to another saviour, this time, she met a ‘GRADE A’ guy. Well, by ‘GRADE A’ I don’t mean in terms of the appearance nor the personality. In fact, he is a college guy who dedicates 90% of his time to be a “Grade A” student and turned out has no spare time for maintaining a relationship.

Within half month/ a month (I really forgot), she certified this is the guy she has been waiting, yearning and dying for. But this wasn’t the first time I engaged in this conversation, it came across every time when she met someone. Her THE ONE kept showing up in different forms, isn’t THE ONE suppose to be the only one, literally? This time, as usual, she interpreted every words coming from his mouth as a “proposal to be”. After several months of sweet coating, the bitter core comes. They needed to face a more critical situation, how to maintain a relationship when the guy refused to put extra effort, well, did I mention this is a LDR. So, she proposed a break up a week ago, believing it is a last draw to save their relationship.

How easy it is just to spit the two words out, well, me, myself, is a regular user in my every relationship (not a good one, I know). But, every time, when I said it, i meant it and I am geared up to receive his response as YES. She, is different. She didn’t even see it coming but it didn’t come to my surprise, he agreed, not just agreed but insisted. He then played the soft guy role, complimenting she is the best thing he has had and knowing that this may be a regretful choice, BUT, he needed to go just because he realised his love to her was insufficient.

I see, there always come with the word BUT in his words. I have always known, when there is a BUT in the sentence, all the words before the BUT was simply bull shit. Especially, this time he made himself pretty clear that he would like to be categorised as one of those ” I don’t love you enough – Ex” zone.

ME
If you’d ask me, how far will I go for love?
Taking a minute to think, my answer is I am willing to fix the broken part, to compromise and walk with you hand in hand at a comfortable pace. If sacrifice is needed, I would do it too. My purpose here is to make you happy and guide you on the right track, in your life and in our life. But all these can not be achieved alone, it requires the effort of the two.

Loving a person doesn’t mean you need to give it all out at once, it certainly doesn’t mean you need to sacrifice your whole self at the moment you met him, at least not within a month, it takes time and steps. Your “THE ONE” doesn’t come in like love at first sight, in fact, through compromising and playing tug of war you’d shape each other to be “THE ONLY ONE”.

Apart from my view for love, I am also searching for my place as a friend. Clearly, she doesn’t want to be saved or advised. Is my role supposed to be frank but with risk of jeopardising our friendship, or just go with the flow until she wakes up from this lovestruck?

I believe every girls want to live in a romantic love story, who doesn’t? But when it comes to reality, don’t forget to find a proper way to love, not in a way you want it to be, but in  a way you both are comfortable with. After all, not every one could have the luck and luxury to live like Carrie Bradshaw.

 

Knock knock

In a gloomy freezing Thursday’s afternoon, I snuggled under my bed sheets, began to pick up what I left here four years ago.

Forget about the new year fresh start, I am here because I felt I need my blog more than it needs me. Well, TBH, I was never the finest writer, not even self explanatorily enough to project my emotion/thinking through the lines, so that actually hindered my motivation to blog. Yet, to clear up my negativity and understand myself A LOT better,  I figured blogging for myself could actually help to let my thought sinks and make sufficient room for myself.

I spent the morning revisiting and reorganising my previous entries.  I struggled A LOT, whether or not to delete the whole blog and begins with a new title, new username, new everything… Still, I can’t help but wonder is escaping from my past the best solution for my current circumstances. If you’d know me, you’ll know, I tend to restart everything instead of fixing it, even its just a tiny piece of it has broken. But the moment when I needed to change my dejavu name to something else, I hesitated. My fingers lingered on the keyboard for more than ten seconds. This time, let’s forget the idea of refreshing, what about rebuilding it?

What triggered me to reblog was actually I needed to channelize my emotion. I am here, not for a show for audience, but by myself to share the utmost feeling from the bottom of my heart.

 

Shameless

Finding someone who truly understand you has never been easy,
I constantly feel like  I am caged,
Caged in a place where I am the only one understand myself, and I am also the only one who is able to advise myself.

People in this world always live under masks,
not saying i am the exception,
perhaps i have been putting it too long that I also forget who I truly am..
The reason is, we are all too scared to be left out….
We are afraid of loneliness..
we put on our masks, so we could pretend someone we are not,
so we could always find a group to fit in.
it is our basic instinct, it is about survival.

Who would have the courage to be their true self and stand up against the world?

The longer i stayed, the more twisted I become,
I become goal oriented,
I only focus on the end game, missing the beautiful things that happen along.
I become paralysed.
Paralysed by the so called success labelled by others.

My happiness no longer comes from the bottom of my heart,
it built on people’s judgemental looks, and then, the more empty i felt.

How shameless could people become,
how shameless could I become.